False sense of security

September 11, 2001 Changed my life like so many others just not in the same sense of most other people. I lost my great grandma that day 5 hours before what happened in New York she passed away in her sleep.  The year before I had lost my mother due to heart issues. I was 20 years old and had a one month old son. Little did I know the next few days and years would change my whole perspective on what family and security in family was.  I remember a while after my mother died; my father and I were cleaning out the garage and we ran across one of my mother's journals.. Me , being the nosey person I am, started reading this journal. It was written when I was about 10 years old and it was almost a letter to my mothers college counselor. She asked this lady to please look after me as she knew my father wouldn't. Talk about a slap in the face. What did this mean?! I was 19 when I read this and thought of course my father would have looked after me I was his daughter and only 10. Little did I know now looking back how right my mother would have been. You see I was adopted as an infant. Stories circulate about how it all happened but I was given to my mom and dad and I have to admit I had the best mom in the world. 
I do know that she loved me unconditionally as I was her only child and I was adopted which means I was chosen.. So my mother chose me!  We had lots of family around growing up. Every holiday, birthday, reunion created a houseful and fun memories. We were a practical joking family. We played pranks on each other all the time. I do have lots of good memories of growing up and being surrounded by my family. I always remember grandma praying every night for hours on end for our entire family and their churches and neighborhoods and I would complain , as her praying would prevent me from falling asleep. I would sarcastically tell her that God knows and please go to sleep. I would remind her that I had school in the morning. She wouldn't budge and would just keep on praying.  
After my mother died I remember cleaning the garage out with my father and finding one of my mother's old journals from when I was about 10 and she had one of her first open heart surgeries. In it I found a sentence that shocked me. "If something happens to me please look after Crystal as I know her father won't."  WHAT?!?! How did my mother know this? I was 10. I have questioned this many of times since then I am now MUCH older and starting to find peace with it. But within all those years I had lots of hard lessons to learn. 
Family isn't about blood lines, or even adoption paperwork. None of my family was there for me after my grandma died. At her funeral my son was a month old and had his first seizure. I was at the children's hospital with him as all the family traveled to Oklahoma for the burial of grandma. Little did I know that was going to be the last time I would see most of them. Many years of homelessness would follow and finding people online that I felt became close enough friends to stay with and homeless shelters would become the life my son would learn to know. You see I didn't have my father anymore as he had remarried and I wasn't a priority or allowed to even talk to him without making an appt with the wife first. I remember James was about 2 or 3 and I really wanted my father to be part of his life so I begged my dad to set aside time for us. We were allowed one hour at a McDonald's. Another time after having my daughter and wanting to be included in with my fathers new family I wanted to join them for Christmas gathering. My daughter was about 2 or 3 and since I didn't have a car of my own my dad agreed to pick us up. I was shattered as my daughter kept repeating over and over "No car stranger, mommy, No car stranger!" This broke my heart as this was her grandpa and she didn't even know it. 
I was very blessed growing up with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Now my kids only had me. No real aunts, uncles, cousins, their grandparents that really loved them had already passed away. I decided to build a closer relationship to my biological family thinking they are my BLOOD family they will be there. I do have a closer bond with my sister and my kids do love and call her aunt. My biological mother is so loved by my kids its not even funny even though her and  I don't see eye to eye on lots of things I could and would never deny her the chance to love on her grandkids. But one thing still haunted me. Where was ALL my family I had growing up. Why did I have to actually be homeless. Why wasn't anyone there for ME when I needed them?! 
I didn't understand what family meant at this point as I felt so abandoned. I then decided to be totally open and honest with my kids. My son will tell you that the only person he knows he can truly count on is me. And I have even tried to inform him that he needs to realize I will not always be here. Just so I don't warp him into thinking of there being security in the word family when there truly isn't any. He unfortunately learned early on that family is only a word when there was an incident that his biological sperm donor abused him ways that are unimaginable. We learned we don't even have security in our police or justice system. He learned through most of his life of homelessness that security of being stable and in one spot and having anyone to count on other than me was not a security. He did build up some imaginary friends and had stuffed animals as security blankets but even with the homelessness and constant moving around he had to learn that there was truly no such thing as security. My daughter on the other hand has a different view. She does have her father and his entire family thankfully. Unfortunately I am the one that was not secure for her. Due to all the homelessness, and abusive relationships I was in she went to live with her father when she was about 4 years old. I had moved around so much that for a while we had no contact. She is now 9 and we are living in the same city so I am trying my best to show her that I am here for her no matter what and always have been and that I put her in a secure home trying to find a secure place for her brother and I. She says she understands but does she really and how much have I messed her up. I do know that since she was smaller she always talked about wanting to live with me again. She is now opening up about other things of she wishes her dad didn't work so much so he would have more time with her. I encourage her to talk with him and open those lines of communication as I don't want her to have the false sense of security I did with my father. Every conversation was through my mother. So there was never a time my dad and I learned to communicate. 
But the false sense of security still haunts me. I ask family and close friends for pics of my mom and grandma. They all say how wonderful both of these women were but never post stories or pics to share with my kids. I KNOW there were cameras around as I remember trying to hide from many of them during family gatherings but nobody will even discuss it. I did have one aunt that I talked to off and on for many years after the passing of my mom and grandma. I remember her kids for some reason stopped talking to me and I tried and tried to sneak over when I knew they were in town  just to say hi and catch up thinking they were family they should be in my life. But it never stuck once they left that was it never to speak again. 
This is NOT what I want for my kids. I want people in their lives that truly love them and will be there for them. I have had to teach them that you can't count on others and only yourself to find the people that you can trust. Now my kids have aunts and uncles, not of blood relation, or even from my adopted family but from the life we have had where I have built bonds closer than any family bond I ever had. 
I no longer point out past family to my kids. They do know that I grew up in a large family and they do know I had a fun childhood but do I now show them pics of those people?? NO as they are strangers. I don't want my kids to know everything they missed out on. Would I go out of my way anymore to open the lines of communication with them NO as the excuse I always get is life got hectic and I got wrapped up in other things. If I were to meet them by chance at a store or church would I introduce my kids to them and relive old family memories? NO as that is the past and I have learned that the past is best left in the past. I have a sister that I still call sister, I have a bro in law that is still my bro in law. I have a niece and a nephew and a great niece, I do have my bio mom. THEY are my family. I did recently get in contact with my biological fathers side of the family and that looks promising. I do hope that many positive things come from that and close bonds are formed there. But I am not going to give myself any more false sense of securities. On September 11, 2001 I began my journey to find out what family meant to me. And the biggest lesson I learned is that family is a false sense of security. Thankfully I know that God has never abandoned me or given me this false sense of security and I have learned to fully rely on him.